The Magnificent Eleven

“When you're ridin' ahead of the herd, you should take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there”
Anonymous cowboy

It was a game of two halves. That might seem like an obvious statement - of course a football game has two halves, that's why oranges were invented! But close your eyes and travel back in time to the Saturday just gone - on second thoughts don't close your eyes – read this instead, and all will become clear.

It all began in a dusty little one-horse town that the old-timers call Cambridge, Arizona (very old timers, with no sense of geography).

The Woodbridge Boys moseyed on into town, their horses kicking up dust as they emerged from the dry sagebrush on the outskirts. They were feeling ambivalent; on the one hand they were confident of their aim and their quick draw; and they remembered the previous show-down against these cowboys, when they had given their all and emerged from the fray as 4 – 1 victors. On the other hand, they knew that this was a new-look Nelson/MacKillop gang; all the way along their dusty journey they had seen the Wanted Posters plastered to walls and blowing around the prairie like tumble-weeds. They had overheard the talk in the towns along the way too, the Nelson/MacKillop Lads were a gang to be reckoned with.

Anything could happen.

The first shot was fired by Nelson/Mac, but the Woodbridge supporters smugly reassured themselves that the Woodbridge lads tend to respond faster than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country¹. On the side lines they watched expectantly; surely an answering salvo would be fired soon? But no; instead Nelson/Mac drew their guns, and fired in two more goals before the whistle blew for half time; shock ricocheted around the Woodbridge camp. Three nil down, Holey-moley! It looked like the Nelson/MacKillop dudes² were really going to clean Woodbridge's plow³

At half time there were no oranges, despite having been invented several paragraphs ago.

Oranges or not, half-time can make a huge difference to a game. We've heard those curly wolf⁴ coaches who, when their teams are losing, berate their squad mercilessly, we've heard the teams who bicker amongst themselves, flinging blame around as if it grows on trees. Neither approach seems to work that well. What is needed is a unified response, a plan, if you will.

...and level headed Cap'n Phineas was the man with the plan. A plan that did not involve backing down, a plan that did not even involve sneaking over to the opposition team's kit bag and stealing their snake-oil⁵.

When the whistle blew to signify the start of the second half, the score stood at Neslon/MacKillop 3 – Woodbridge 0. Nelson/Mac must have thought that they had the game wrapped up in rawhide and shoved into the bottom of their saddle-bags with their beef jerky and bedroll. A three goal lead is quite a comfortable margin, so they circled their wagons and all but holstered their guns.

Woodbridge came back to the field with all guns blazing. Phin, leading by example had soon fired in a top-notch goal. It came from outside the penalty area and shot into the top corner of the net, rebounding off the post. On the side lines a huge sigh of relief followed the raucous celebration. At least now it wasn't going to be a complete rout; 3 – 1 is a much more respectable loss than 3 – 0 (or worse).

Nelson/Mac seemed a bit surprised, but now their Smith and Wessons stuck in their holsters and they seemed unable to stem the flow of the game which had swung completely around. Jy followed Phin's example striking the ball hard so that it flew faster than a speeding bullet into the bottom corner of Nelson's net. Nelson MacKillop 3 – Woodbridge 2; if the Woodbridge whipper-snappers were going down, they were going down in a blaze of glory.

Of course 3 – 2 down wasn't what the boys had in mind, and having put in a blinder of a first goal Phineas decided he would reload his six-shooter and replicate Jy's goal, another low ball blasting, bullet-fast into the bottom corner. The supporters on the side lines went crazy, drowning out those who were honking their horns from the comfort of their Conestoga wagons – a three-all draw, we could live with that.

Quick Sheriff, blow your whistle before Nelson/Mac can get their Winchesters out!

Winchesters, however, are relatively cumbersome weapons, they weighed the opposition down and before long Nelson/MacKillop's game seemed to have played out⁶; Woodbridge sure had put a spoke in their wheel⁷.

The pistol toting Woodbridge gun-slingers now had a win in their sights. Quick draw Jordan, who for weeks has been surprising older and taller lads by repeatedly winning headers, reminded the Woodbridge supporters that he's pretty awesome with his boots too. With only minutes to spare he latched on to a corner ball expertly delivered by Bolan and chipped it over the keeper. “Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!” As they say south of the border. “Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!” they continue, because they are pretty darn-tootin' excited about it!

Still, the Mexican commentator's excitement paled in comparison to the hysterical fandango⁸ on the Woodbridge sidelines.

Nelson/MacKillop could see that the jig was up⁹ and when the Sheriff declared the game over moments later the score line was Woodbridge 4 – Nelson/MacKillop 3.


1. Really, really fast! (Grant & Naylor 1993)
2."Dude ~ an Easterner, or anyone in up-scale town clothes, rather than plain range-riding or work clothes."(Atwater 2001))
3. "Clean his/your plow ~ to get or give a thorough whippin'. " (Atwater 2001)
4. "Curly wolf ~ real tough guy, dangerous man."(Atwater 2001)
5. Snake Oil - steroids
6. “Played out ~ exhausted.” (Atwater 2001)

7. “Put a spoke in the wheel ~ to foul up or sabotage something.” (Atwater 2001)
8. “Fandango ~ from the Spanish, a big party with lots of dancing and excitement.” (Atwater 2001)
9. “Jig is up ~ scheme/game is over, exposed.”(Atwater 2001)

Ref:
Atwater, G.M. 2001, Western Slang and Phrases, retrieved August 3 from: http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.ancestry.com/~poindexterfamily/OldWestSlang.html

Grant, R. and Naylor, D. 1993, Red Dwarf: Gunmen of the Apocalypse, [TV series]